Brmm, brrrmmm !

Wow ! A blog post that's actually a proper blog about life and stuff !

So I was all set to write a lengthy post about the entire experience of driving, then realised this would be utterly pointless. A rather large number of people drive anyway, so what am I supposed to tell them ? And for those who don't, how am I supposed to describe something which makes absolutely no sense until you try it ? No, I think I'll just have a bit of a rant about driving courses.

I did an intensive course (9am-1pm, 5 days a week) preceded by two 2-hour sessions. The idea of an intensive course is that you can learn to drive in a week and be ready to take the test at the end of it. On some courses you drive around a track and even share with another learner - this would be absolute drivel. You might as well go and sacrifice a chocolate-covered goat to the Great God of Coconuts; it'd be just as relevant.

With hindsight I think I would have preferred a semi-intensive course - daily lessons perhaps, but maybe 2hrs per day rather than 4, supplemented with practise in my parent's car. I have to disagree with my instructor (who is a wise man and very good at his job) that you learn far more in 4 hrs; I just can't concentrate for that long. Anything much over 3 hours and I start to feel like I've been doing numerical integration in my head for about 2 days straight whilst only taking breaks to write an essay on the Platonic theory of forms*. Frankly, it gets boring. Even though I start making more mistakes and become increasingly afraid for my life, I become bored of being afraid for my life. I want to go home and play computer games.

*I'll bet you any money you like you've never heard driving described by that analogy before.

I also think I disagree that it would have been easier to learn at 17 as my instructor keeps telling me. For one thing, I don't think I learn any more slowly now than I did then, though I am far lazier. For another, I had no money at 17 ! I'd have had to have got a job as well as taking 4 A-levels**. Goodbye highly limited social life. Easy ? Should I also have taken up kick-boxing for good measure ? Or maybe just initiated a Middle East peace conference ?

**As opposed to now, when I have sufficient funds but find most of my spare time being ever more rapidly consumed in the fiery maelstrom of preparation for moving across the sea in a few weeks time.

That said, intensive courses do seem to work, at least for me. Well, kindof. I'm now capable of driving around without killing anyone, provided I'm given some instructions. Or rather I was when I finished the intensive course. After a break of 2-3 weeks from professional tuition***, I'm back to where I was about halfway through - it is, in fact, exactly like retaining knowledge having been cramming for an exam. All the basics are there, but the rest is up there somewhere in some kind of disgusting knowledge soup, and only the sieve of a professional instructor can remove the foul peas of ineptitude leaving only the delicious chicken of competence.

***To be fair most of that was spent in the firey maelstrom of preparation.

Still... driving in Puerto Rico in a few weeks ? In an automatic ? On the wrong side of the road and with all the controls on the wrong side of the car ?

Hmm. Can I do another viva instead ?



Miscasting Lord of the Rings : A Fun Game for 1 or More Nerds

Nicholas Cage is rumoured to have been in the running for the part of Aragorn. Mercifully that didn't happen, but imagine if it did... such is the basis for the simple game of recasting Lord of the Rings with innappropriate, yet strangely applicable, Hollywood A-listers. Here's my take on things.



Features :
Samwise DeVito
Brian "Blessed" Gimli
Alan Saruman
Theoden Connerry
Sarah Michelle Eowyn
Aragon Cage
Galadralohan
Keirsmegol
Donkeyfax
Frodo Cruise
Arwen Liu
Keanu Legolas
Bilbo Meaney
Boromir Russell
Captain Jean-Luc Elrond

Review : Windoze 7

So that y'all know where I'm coming from here, let me begin by stating my opinion on previous OS's :

DOS : Hah !
Windows 3.11 : Happy times. Ran for 7 years on a 486 and was so stable that it wouldn't get angry even if you insulted its parentage and called it fat.
Windows XP : Less happy times. Had to reinstall the thing twice in 6 months, losing everything... later, didn't like having a CD writer installed at all, and died soon after. Second computer was OK for a while, then slowly degenerated, like the Black Knight in Monty Python having his limbs cut off one at a time. By the end, there was no taskbar and the search function simply didn't work.

XP : Almost unkillable, but ultimately doomed

Windows Vista : O Happy Day ! Like XP, but prettier, more stable, yet in defiance of all the odds considerably more annoying. Much like Myleene Klass compared to David Mellor (who is a worthless human being and not even a good DJ yet somehow manages to be marginally less boring than Mrs Klass). Yes, that's right, I'm comparing Classic FM DJ's to Microsoft Windows. OH GOD WHY !

Radio : The Great Equaliser

 Linux : Don't be silly.

So then, 7. Well it follows the long tradition of ever-increasing shininess. Although the new taskbar by default is as ugly as the rotting carcass of a pregnant beluga whale that died from Ebola, thankfully you can make it look just like Vista's very easily. And the Peek function, letting you quickly look at individual windows via the taskbar, is at least vaguely useful.

The new "Themes" feature is lovely, giving you an automatically varying desktop if you so wish. And it comes with some nice images, although the default so disgusting it'll make you vomit with rage before gouging out your own eyes with your toenails. Moreover, the shuffle feature isn't particularly good, often repeating some pictures at the expense of others.


Anything but the Windows 7 default wallpaper !


Moving on, there have been two huge criticisms of Vista :
1) It has more security alerts than Heathrow
2) It uses so many system resources than it takes the entire power of Canada to open Notepad

Well, (2) is just a lie. Since I spend terrifying amounts of time rendering 3D graphics that max out my system, I can attest to this. Sure, Vista wouldn't be able to cope with 128MB RAM or a poor graphics card as XP can. But come now, it's time to say fare thee well to the Stone Age and move into a realm where we've all gotten over how neat digital watches are. So far as I can tell, 7 is at least slightly better than Vista. Closing down a memory-hogging program is now almost instant, compared with Vista which required at least 6 months notice and a letter tattooed on your own scalp delivered to the head of the World Bank.

(1) however, is massively improved. Although they are still numerous, no longer is it necessary for Windoze to force you to drop whatever else you're doing to press "Yes" 19 thousand times in order to close Paint. Gone is the bizarre, hugely retarded screen dimming that stopped you from clicking anything other than yes or no. At last Microsoft have realised that in the worst-case scenario, your computer might catch a nasty virus but it isn't likely to go running amok on a killing spree. Unless you see the following :


It's OK Bill ! It was just a movie !

What else ? Well, gadgets are a lot more stable than in Vista, which had the peculiar habit of re-arranging them very badly and at random intervals. You can also see the progress of downloads in the taskbar directly, rather than needing to open the window, which is nice. Also, you can access some program options directly from the Start Menu (such as, ooh I don't know, starting I.E. in InPrivate mode, although I've yet to find a use for this myself, you understand).  And it shuts down in 15 seconds.

That's the good stuff. But, inevitably, Microsoft is not all "smiles und sunshine". Possibly the biggest annoyance is its use of Libraries. These are just folders with built-in links to other folders, so you don't have to have all your sound files in one place. Now that's actually quite a neat idea, and if you've saving in a Library folder then the default puts it in a sensible place so you can easily find it through the file browser. But it would have been nice to have the option to go straight to the default folder - you're somewhat forced to use the library system.

The main problem is that libraries are regenerated practically every time you open one. And with 800 tracks (which isn't even that many), this takes an annoyingly long time. This is daft. It shouldn't take a computer any time at all to deal with organizing a mere few hundred files. What are quad cores for ? Surely it should really store the library index as a file somewhere that becomes updated periodically, like when people add or change a file in one of its directories, or if a refresh is requested manually. Then there'd be no waiting at all. If you do take the trouble to navigate to the folder directly, you'll find it's very much faster.

A similar problem affects Windows Live Mail, at least if you're using it with gmail. It's nice that what you do to your Live Mail controls your actual gmail account. It's less nice that this can take a life-age of the Earth to accomplish.


Microsoft libraries just can't compete with the Dewy Decimal System*


* Why are all these blog entries becoming so gratuitously exploitative ? I promise there'll be no more of this in the next post.**

** I'm probably lying.

Then there are the small but weird features. Sound Recorder can't play back recordings; you have to open them in something else (???). The wi-fi strength shown in the taskbar can differ considerably from what it may indicate in the full window, which is just odd. Minimising WMP12 doesn't give you the same nice functionality in the taskbar that WMP11 did, a foolish oversight.

Two final points. Live Search. Can we please stop this madness now before it's too late ? Stop bloody searching before I've finished typing ! It feels like I'm being interrupted. It's downright rude ! It always leaves me with the distinct impression that if I stop or delete anything it's just going to ignore me. I hate it. Bring back XP's search assistants - they might have been daft, but, like Roger Moore's James Bond, they got the job done.



Secondly, I want multiple workstations. This is Linux's sole good trick, but it's a very good one. And since Linux is open source, just copy the stoopid code already. Who's gonna sue ? The OS community wouldn't last 20 minutes against Microsoft's highly skilled hordes of Barbarian Attack Lawyers.




So that's basically that. It is, quite simply, better than other versions of Windows. Really the only reason not to get it is if your computer is struggling to keep up with an abacus. Of course, no-one can yet attest to its long-term stability, but if it's as nice as Vista then things are promising. The real question is : if it were a Classic FM DJ, who would it be ?

I Love My Crap

The time of leaving is nearly upon me. The dread hand of Time marches ever-less asymptotically onwards toward the inexact point of my semi-terminal departure from this dear country I call home,  which means I have to clean out my room. This is no small task. I've lived in this same room for nearly 20 years and only decorated once. And though I'm fortunately adverse to spending money, that's still ample time to accumulate a load of utter crap.

Now since I'm planning on returning, I don't need to clear out everything. Mercifully, this means my ~500 books can stay safely where they are. But my parents are going to decorate a new room for me and move my stuff, so I do have to bury my collection of pornography. Or I would if I had one. In fact some of the stuff I've got is, if not as interesting, then at least more unusual.

This includes, for example, some rocks. They're not interesting rocks. Why do I have them ? No idea. I also have boxes of Lego Technic without any Lego in them, a half-disintegrated peacock's feather, a dried reed, some ancient paper aeroplanes, a completely unofficial "Aliens" inflatable punch bag, and a bag of coal, innumerable heaphone adapaters, at least 3 climbing robots - and that's not even the half of it. I've got a complete collection of The War Illustrated and the 10-volume, highly racist Children's Encyclopedia from 1922. HOW ? I'm only 26 ! But I just can't bring myself to throw out anything from 1922, even if it does think that anyone from outside the Empire is a black, murderous cannibal in need of some good civilisin'. Including the French.

Nor can I bear to throw out my rather puny collection of the Official Star Trek Fact Files, even though there's only the first 20 of 300 issues and I could get the whole set at a modest price very easily. But... it's got schematics of the ships ! The Picard Maneuver illustrated ! How could I abandon this thing I haven't read in over 10 years and can't possibly take with me ? I'd feel like a traitor. All the other nerds would laugh in my face. It's already depressing enough that I'm so nerdy I have a collection of Star Trek magazines and no pornography (and let's face it... no-one would ever lie about that).



This is NOT the Picard Maneuver, but it should be


On the other hand, there's some cool stuff in there. Apart from the 48K ZX Spectrum that doesn't work, there's a 128K ZX Spectrum with a light gun that probably does... if I could find the power supply and TV cable. I've even got a cassette tape of "Space Raiders". Not Invaders... Raiders. And John Smith's Extra Smooth Bath Foam and socks. Best of all, a Fish Fingers pencil case. I can't even find an online image of such a thing, so I took this photo to prove that it really does exist.

You're all soooo jealous right now....

And that's only scratching the surface. Never mind my almost complete set of Focus magazines, hundreds of model dinosaurs, complete set of university and A-level notes, and Lord only knows what else. How can people cope with so-called minimalist living, where they have little else besides a computer ? I live on my computer. But I want that computer to be located in the office of the I.T. crowd.

The Truth Behind Battlestar Galactica (contains spoilers)

Battlestar Galactica is now very much over, though its prequel Caprica continues like a sort of reverse ghost. And long may it continue. But it appears that it's not going to ever address many questions that its progenitor raised. Among which - what's with all the ancient Greek gods ? At the end of the show it's strongly implied that our very own society will eventually found the 12 colonies, which makes one wonder why our religions are going to regress at least 2,000 years.

But fear not, I can offer an explanation for this. The clue lies in Lucy Lawless' character, the Cylon who starts to deviate from their accepted pattern of behaviour. She remains, however, far better known for playing the butt-kicking Xena, the warrior barmaid* fond of breathing fire on her enemies and throwing an angle grinder at them. Curiously enough, Xena is from ancient Greece. Coincidence ? I think not.

*She's not a princess. Her mother tends bar in a small village. Her father is slightly more mysterious.



Xena has many skills



Now one of the joys of Xena (besides the judicious use of a Wonderbra) was its crazed take on physics. In this show, backflipping 50 feet straight up is routine. Xena herself is able to catch (in her bare hands) a metal chakram so sharp it can destroy whole armies with a single throw, a feat not even Odd Job could match. The explanation is obvious - she's a robot. That's how she's insanely strong, accurate and why her boobs are so incredibly well-supported... much like the rather more psychopathic Caprica Six.



Ahh.... feminism.



Ahem. Now, as I was saying, clearly a robot. How, then, did she come to be in ancient Greece ? Is she one of the D'annas from the future hurled backwards in time ? No. Far more likely, given the religious overtones of both shows, is that she was actually created by the Gods for their own reasons. At some point, a terrible accident hurls her into the future. Quantum Leap teaches that this invariably results in partial amnesia - hence she goes slightly mad and calls herself "D'anna" rather than "Diana", a name which which sounds like she was aiming for Diana but missed.

Now the future history of B.G. is complicated indeed, but no more so than in Xena (a show in which she fights at Troy and meets Julius Caesar - which is a bit like fighting at the Battle of Hastings one week and interviewing Neil Armstrong the next). In fact, only a very little more time travel will also explain the presence of Edward James Olmos, who previously played Gaff in Blade Runner - which was, let's face it, exactly the same as B.G (the only difference was the hat). Clearly the replicants he hunted down were actually some of the first generation of Cylons who would overrun Earth soon after the events in the movie, an event described in later episodes of B.G.

This is strangely unappealing compared to the last picture

Returning to Quantum Leap for a moment, who should we find there but Dean Motherfrakking Stockwell ! A time-traveller (of sorts) aided by a sophisticated artifical intelligence ? Come now, Ronald D. Moore, surely you do not expect me to let that one pass. I mean, good grief, he even wears a hat in both shows ! What more proof of a link is needed ? What seems by far the most likely connection is that shortly after the events of Q.L., Al had Ziggy cybernetically implanted into his brain and went on his own time-travelling mission to rescue Sam. But something went horribly wrong and he got hurled into the future and became evil.


If in doubt, wear a hat

 Hell, we can also explain Mary McDonnell, who played a dying leader('s wife) in Independence Day. The way I see it, she was probably rescued by a time-travelling Xena who managed to resuscitate her (she has, after all, many skills). And probably at this point humans stole the FTL drive from the aliens just before most of the alien tech was destroyed (thus also explaining why in Caprica humans can go faster than light but still drive petrol-powered cars).

All this has happened before....

Ergo, all these shows are actually part of an epic, perfectly consistent timeline thanks to some unexpected twists in the Trousers of Time. So forget Battlestar Galactica. Instead enjoy Xena : Independence Quantum Battlestar Runner. Either that or accept gratuitous typecasting throughout.