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Saturday, 18 September 2010

The Truth Behind Battlestar Galactica (contains spoilers)

Battlestar Galactica is now very much over, though its prequel Caprica continues like a sort of reverse ghost. And long may it continue. But it appears that it's not going to ever address many questions that its progenitor raised. Among which - what's with all the ancient Greek gods ? At the end of the show it's strongly implied that our very own society will eventually found the 12 colonies, which makes one wonder why our religions are going to regress at least 2,000 years.

But fear not, I can offer an explanation for this. The clue lies in Lucy Lawless' character, the Cylon who starts to deviate from their accepted pattern of behaviour. She remains, however, far better known for playing the butt-kicking Xena, the warrior barmaid* fond of breathing fire on her enemies and throwing an angle grinder at them. Curiously enough, Xena is from ancient Greece. Coincidence ? I think not.

*She's not a princess. Her mother tends bar in a small village. Her father is slightly more mysterious.

Xena has many skills

Now one of the joys of Xena (besides the judicious use of a Wonderbra) was its crazed take on physics. In this show, backflipping 50 feet straight up is routine. Xena herself is able to catch (in her bare hands) a metal chakram so sharp it can destroy whole armies with a single throw, a feat not even Odd Job could match. The explanation is obvious - she's a robot. That's how she's insanely strong, accurate and why her boobs are so incredibly well-supported... much like the rather more psychopathic Caprica Six.

Ahh.... feminism.

Ahem. Now, as I was saying, clearly a robot. How, then, did she come to be in ancient Greece ? Is she one of the D'annas from the future hurled backwards in time ? No. Far more likely, given the religious overtones of both shows, is that she was actually created by the Gods for their own reasons. At some point, a terrible accident hurls her into the future. Quantum Leap teaches that this invariably results in partial amnesia - hence she goes slightly mad and calls herself "D'anna" rather than "Diana", a name which which sounds like she was aiming for Diana but missed.

Now the future history of B.G. is complicated indeed, but no more so than in Xena (a show in which she fights at Troy and meets Julius Caesar - which is a bit like fighting at the Battle of Hastings one week and interviewing Neil Armstrong the next). In fact, only a very little more time travel will also explain the presence of Edward James Olmos, who previously played Gaff in Blade Runner - which was, let's face it, exactly the same as B.G (the only difference was the hat). Clearly the replicants he hunted down were actually some of the first generation of Cylons who would overrun Earth soon after the events in the movie, an event described in later episodes of B.G.

This is strangely unappealing compared to the last picture

Returning to Quantum Leap for a moment, who should we find there but Dean Motherfrakking Stockwell ! A time-traveller (of sorts) aided by a sophisticated artifical intelligence ? Come now, Ronald D. Moore, surely you do not expect me to let that one pass. I mean, good grief, he even wears a hat in both shows ! What more proof of a link is needed ? What seems by far the most likely connection is that shortly after the events of Q.L., Al had Ziggy cybernetically implanted into his brain and went on his own time-travelling mission to rescue Sam. But something went horribly wrong and he got hurled into the future and became evil.

If in doubt, wear a hat
 Hell, we can also explain Mary McDonnell, who played a dying leader('s wife) in Independence Day. The way I see it, she was probably rescued by a time-travelling Xena who managed to resuscitate her (she has, after all, many skills). And probably at this point humans stole the FTL drive from the aliens just before most of the alien tech was destroyed (thus also explaining why in Caprica humans can go faster than light but still drive petrol-powered cars).

All this has happened before....

Ergo, all these shows are actually part of an epic, perfectly consistent timeline thanks to some unexpected twists in the Trousers of Time. So forget Battlestar Galactica. Instead enjoy Xena : Independence Quantum Battlestar Runner. Either that or accept gratuitous typecasting throughout.


  1. "At the end of the show it's strongly implied that our very own society will eventually found the 12 colonies, which makes one wonder why our religions are going to regress at least 2,000 years."

    Did you even watch the ending?

  2. Yes. Yes I did. And I stand firmly by my original statement, because it's correct.