Nicholas Cage is rumoured to have been in the running for the part of Aragorn. Mercifully that didn't happen, but imagine if it did... such is the basis for the simple game of recasting Lord of the Rings with innappropriate, yet strangely applicable, Hollywood A-listers. Here's my take on things.
Features :
Samwise DeVito
Brian "Blessed" Gimli
Alan Saruman
Theoden Connerry
Sarah Michelle Eowyn
Aragon Cage
Galadralohan
Keirsmegol
Donkeyfax
Frodo Cruise
Arwen Liu
Keanu Legolas
Bilbo Meaney
Boromir Russell
Captain Jean-Luc Elrond
The exiled life of an astrophysicist
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
Review : Windoze 7
So that y'all know where I'm coming from here, let me begin by stating my opinion on previous OS's :
DOS : Hah !
Windows 3.11 : Happy times. Ran for 7 years on a 486 and was so stable that it wouldn't get angry even if you insulted its parentage and called it fat.
Windows XP : Less happy times. Had to reinstall the thing twice in 6 months, losing everything... later, didn't like having a CD writer installed at all, and died soon after. Second computer was OK for a while, then slowly degenerated, like the Black Knight in Monty Python having his limbs cut off one at a time. By the end, there was no taskbar and the search function simply didn't work.
Linux : Don't be silly.
So then, 7. Well it follows the long tradition of ever-increasing shininess. Although the new taskbar by default is as ugly as the rotting carcass of a pregnant beluga whale that died from Ebola, thankfully you can make it look just like Vista's very easily. And the Peek function, letting you quickly look at individual windows via the taskbar, is at least vaguely useful.
The new "Themes" feature is lovely, giving you an automatically varying desktop if you so wish. And it comes with some nice images, although the default so disgusting it'll make you vomit with rage before gouging out your own eyes with your toenails. Moreover, the shuffle feature isn't particularly good, often repeating some pictures at the expense of others.
Moving on, there have been two huge criticisms of Vista :
1) It has more security alerts than Heathrow
2) It uses so many system resources than it takes the entire power of Canada to open Notepad
Well, (2) is just a lie. Since I spend terrifying amounts of time rendering 3D graphics that max out my system, I can attest to this. Sure, Vista wouldn't be able to cope with 128MB RAM or a poor graphics card as XP can. But come now, it's time to say fare thee well to the Stone Age and move into a realm where we've all gotten over how neat digital watches are. So far as I can tell, 7 is at least slightly better than Vista. Closing down a memory-hogging program is now almost instant, compared with Vista which required at least 6 months notice and a letter tattooed on your own scalp delivered to the head of the World Bank.
(1) however, is massively improved. Although they are still numerous, no longer is it necessary for Windoze to force you to drop whatever else you're doing to press "Yes" 19 thousand times in order to close Paint. Gone is the bizarre, hugely retarded screen dimming that stopped you from clicking anything other than yes or no. At last Microsoft have realised that in the worst-case scenario, your computer might catch a nasty virus but it isn't likely to go running amok on a killing spree. Unless you see the following :
What else ? Well, gadgets are a lot more stable than in Vista, which had the peculiar habit of re-arranging them very badly and at random intervals. You can also see the progress of downloads in the taskbar directly, rather than needing to open the window, which is nice. Also, you can access some program options directly from the Start Menu (such as, ooh I don't know, starting I.E. in InPrivate mode, although I've yet to find a use for this myself, you understand). And it shuts down in 15 seconds.
That's the good stuff. But, inevitably, Microsoft is not all "smiles und sunshine". Possibly the biggest annoyance is its use of Libraries. These are just folders with built-in links to other folders, so you don't have to have all your sound files in one place. Now that's actually quite a neat idea, and if you've saving in a Library folder then the default puts it in a sensible place so you can easily find it through the file browser. But it would have been nice to have the option to go straight to the default folder - you're somewhat forced to use the library system.
The main problem is that libraries are regenerated practically every time you open one. And with 800 tracks (which isn't even that many), this takes an annoyingly long time. This is daft. It shouldn't take a computer any time at all to deal with organizing a mere few hundred files. What are quad cores for ? Surely it should really store the library index as a file somewhere that becomes updated periodically, like when people add or change a file in one of its directories, or if a refresh is requested manually. Then there'd be no waiting at all. If you do take the trouble to navigate to the folder directly, you'll find it's very much faster.
A similar problem affects Windows Live Mail, at least if you're using it with gmail. It's nice that what you do to your Live Mail controls your actual gmail account. It's less nice that this can take a life-age of the Earth to accomplish.
* Why are all these blog entries becoming so gratuitously exploitative ? I promise there'll be no more of this in the next post.**
** I'm probably lying.
Then there are the small but weird features. Sound Recorder can't play back recordings; you have to open them in something else (???). The wi-fi strength shown in the taskbar can differ considerably from what it may indicate in the full window, which is just odd. Minimising WMP12 doesn't give you the same nice functionality in the taskbar that WMP11 did, a foolish oversight.
Two final points. Live Search. Can we please stop this madness now before it's too late ? Stop bloody searching before I've finished typing ! It feels like I'm being interrupted. It's downright rude ! It always leaves me with the distinct impression that if I stop or delete anything it's just going to ignore me. I hate it. Bring back XP's search assistants - they might have been daft, but, like Roger Moore's James Bond, they got the job done.
Secondly, I want multiple workstations. This is Linux's sole good trick, but it's a very good one. And since Linux is open source, just copy the stoopid code already. Who's gonna sue ? The OS community wouldn't last 20 minutes against Microsoft's highly skilled hordes of Barbarian Attack Lawyers.
DOS : Hah !
Windows 3.11 : Happy times. Ran for 7 years on a 486 and was so stable that it wouldn't get angry even if you insulted its parentage and called it fat.
Windows XP : Less happy times. Had to reinstall the thing twice in 6 months, losing everything... later, didn't like having a CD writer installed at all, and died soon after. Second computer was OK for a while, then slowly degenerated, like the Black Knight in Monty Python having his limbs cut off one at a time. By the end, there was no taskbar and the search function simply didn't work.
 |
| XP : Almost unkillable, but ultimately doomed |
Windows Vista : O Happy Day ! Like XP, but prettier, more stable, yet in defiance of all the odds considerably more annoying. Much like Myleene Klass compared to David Mellor (who is a worthless human being and not even a good DJ yet somehow manages to be marginally less boring than Mrs Klass). Yes, that's right, I'm comparing Classic FM DJ's to Microsoft Windows. OH GOD WHY !
 |
| Radio : The Great Equaliser |
So then, 7. Well it follows the long tradition of ever-increasing shininess. Although the new taskbar by default is as ugly as the rotting carcass of a pregnant beluga whale that died from Ebola, thankfully you can make it look just like Vista's very easily. And the Peek function, letting you quickly look at individual windows via the taskbar, is at least vaguely useful.
The new "Themes" feature is lovely, giving you an automatically varying desktop if you so wish. And it comes with some nice images, although the default so disgusting it'll make you vomit with rage before gouging out your own eyes with your toenails. Moreover, the shuffle feature isn't particularly good, often repeating some pictures at the expense of others.
 |
| Anything but the Windows 7 default wallpaper ! |
Moving on, there have been two huge criticisms of Vista :
1) It has more security alerts than Heathrow
2) It uses so many system resources than it takes the entire power of Canada to open Notepad
Well, (2) is just a lie. Since I spend terrifying amounts of time rendering 3D graphics that max out my system, I can attest to this. Sure, Vista wouldn't be able to cope with 128MB RAM or a poor graphics card as XP can. But come now, it's time to say fare thee well to the Stone Age and move into a realm where we've all gotten over how neat digital watches are. So far as I can tell, 7 is at least slightly better than Vista. Closing down a memory-hogging program is now almost instant, compared with Vista which required at least 6 months notice and a letter tattooed on your own scalp delivered to the head of the World Bank.
(1) however, is massively improved. Although they are still numerous, no longer is it necessary for Windoze to force you to drop whatever else you're doing to press "Yes" 19 thousand times in order to close Paint. Gone is the bizarre, hugely retarded screen dimming that stopped you from clicking anything other than yes or no. At last Microsoft have realised that in the worst-case scenario, your computer might catch a nasty virus but it isn't likely to go running amok on a killing spree. Unless you see the following :
 |
| It's OK Bill ! It was just a movie ! |
What else ? Well, gadgets are a lot more stable than in Vista, which had the peculiar habit of re-arranging them very badly and at random intervals. You can also see the progress of downloads in the taskbar directly, rather than needing to open the window, which is nice. Also, you can access some program options directly from the Start Menu (such as, ooh I don't know, starting I.E. in InPrivate mode, although I've yet to find a use for this myself, you understand). And it shuts down in 15 seconds.
That's the good stuff. But, inevitably, Microsoft is not all "smiles und sunshine". Possibly the biggest annoyance is its use of Libraries. These are just folders with built-in links to other folders, so you don't have to have all your sound files in one place. Now that's actually quite a neat idea, and if you've saving in a Library folder then the default puts it in a sensible place so you can easily find it through the file browser. But it would have been nice to have the option to go straight to the default folder - you're somewhat forced to use the library system.
The main problem is that libraries are regenerated practically every time you open one. And with 800 tracks (which isn't even that many), this takes an annoyingly long time. This is daft. It shouldn't take a computer any time at all to deal with organizing a mere few hundred files. What are quad cores for ? Surely it should really store the library index as a file somewhere that becomes updated periodically, like when people add or change a file in one of its directories, or if a refresh is requested manually. Then there'd be no waiting at all. If you do take the trouble to navigate to the folder directly, you'll find it's very much faster.
A similar problem affects Windows Live Mail, at least if you're using it with gmail. It's nice that what you do to your Live Mail controls your actual gmail account. It's less nice that this can take a life-age of the Earth to accomplish.
 |
| Microsoft libraries just can't compete with the Dewy Decimal System* |
* Why are all these blog entries becoming so gratuitously exploitative ? I promise there'll be no more of this in the next post.**
** I'm probably lying.
Then there are the small but weird features. Sound Recorder can't play back recordings; you have to open them in something else (???). The wi-fi strength shown in the taskbar can differ considerably from what it may indicate in the full window, which is just odd. Minimising WMP12 doesn't give you the same nice functionality in the taskbar that WMP11 did, a foolish oversight.
Two final points. Live Search. Can we please stop this madness now before it's too late ? Stop bloody searching before I've finished typing ! It feels like I'm being interrupted. It's downright rude ! It always leaves me with the distinct impression that if I stop or delete anything it's just going to ignore me. I hate it. Bring back XP's search assistants - they might have been daft, but, like Roger Moore's James Bond, they got the job done.
Secondly, I want multiple workstations. This is Linux's sole good trick, but it's a very good one. And since Linux is open source, just copy the stoopid code already. Who's gonna sue ? The OS community wouldn't last 20 minutes against Microsoft's highly skilled hordes of Barbarian Attack Lawyers.
So that's basically that. It is, quite simply, better than other versions of Windows. Really the only reason not to get it is if your computer is struggling to keep up with an abacus. Of course, no-one can yet attest to its long-term stability, but if it's as nice as Vista then things are promising. The real question is : if it were a Classic FM DJ, who would it be ?
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
I Love My Crap
The time of leaving is nearly upon me. The dread hand of Time marches ever-less asymptotically onwards toward the inexact point of my semi-terminal departure from this dear country I call home, which means I have to clean out my room. This is no small task. I've lived in this same room for nearly 20 years and only decorated once. And though I'm fortunately adverse to spending money, that's still ample time to accumulate a load of utter crap.
Now since I'm planning on returning, I don't need to clear out everything. Mercifully, this means my ~500 books can stay safely where they are. But my parents are going to decorate a new room for me and move my stuff, so I do have to bury my collection of pornography. Or I would if I had one. In fact some of the stuff I've got is, if not as interesting, then at least more unusual.
This includes, for example, some rocks. They're not interesting rocks. Why do I have them ? No idea. I also have boxes of Lego Technic without any Lego in them, a half-disintegrated peacock's feather, a dried reed, some ancient paper aeroplanes, a completely unofficial "Aliens" inflatable punch bag, and a bag of coal, innumerable heaphone adapaters, at least 3 climbing robots - and that's not even the half of it. I've got a complete collection of The War Illustrated and the 10-volume, highly racist Children's Encyclopedia from 1922. HOW ? I'm only 26 ! But I just can't bring myself to throw out anything from 1922, even if it does think that anyone from outside the Empire is a black, murderous cannibal in need of some good civilisin'. Including the French.
Nor can I bear to throw out my rather puny collection of the Official Star Trek Fact Files, even though there's only the first 20 of 300 issues and I could get the whole set at a modest price very easily. But... it's got schematics of the ships ! The Picard Maneuver illustrated ! How could I abandon this thing I haven't read in over 10 years and can't possibly take with me ? I'd feel like a traitor. All the other nerds would laugh in my face. It's already depressing enough that I'm so nerdy I have a collection of Star Trek magazines and no pornography (and let's face it... no-one would ever lie about that).
On the other hand, there's some cool stuff in there. Apart from the 48K ZX Spectrum that doesn't work, there's a 128K ZX Spectrum with a light gun that probably does... if I could find the power supply and TV cable. I've even got a cassette tape of "Space Raiders". Not Invaders... Raiders. And John Smith's Extra Smooth Bath Foam and socks. Best of all, a Fish Fingers pencil case. I can't even find an online image of such a thing, so I took this photo to prove that it really does exist.
And that's only scratching the surface. Never mind my almost complete set of Focus magazines, hundreds of model dinosaurs, complete set of university and A-level notes, and Lord only knows what else. How can people cope with so-called minimalist living, where they have little else besides a computer ? I live on my computer. But I want that computer to be located in the office of the I.T. crowd.
Now since I'm planning on returning, I don't need to clear out everything. Mercifully, this means my ~500 books can stay safely where they are. But my parents are going to decorate a new room for me and move my stuff, so I do have to bury my collection of pornography. Or I would if I had one. In fact some of the stuff I've got is, if not as interesting, then at least more unusual.
This includes, for example, some rocks. They're not interesting rocks. Why do I have them ? No idea. I also have boxes of Lego Technic without any Lego in them, a half-disintegrated peacock's feather, a dried reed, some ancient paper aeroplanes, a completely unofficial "Aliens" inflatable punch bag, and a bag of coal, innumerable heaphone adapaters, at least 3 climbing robots - and that's not even the half of it. I've got a complete collection of The War Illustrated and the 10-volume, highly racist Children's Encyclopedia from 1922. HOW ? I'm only 26 ! But I just can't bring myself to throw out anything from 1922, even if it does think that anyone from outside the Empire is a black, murderous cannibal in need of some good civilisin'. Including the French.
Nor can I bear to throw out my rather puny collection of the Official Star Trek Fact Files, even though there's only the first 20 of 300 issues and I could get the whole set at a modest price very easily. But... it's got schematics of the ships ! The Picard Maneuver illustrated ! How could I abandon this thing I haven't read in over 10 years and can't possibly take with me ? I'd feel like a traitor. All the other nerds would laugh in my face. It's already depressing enough that I'm so nerdy I have a collection of Star Trek magazines and no pornography (and let's face it... no-one would ever lie about that).
 |
| This is NOT the Picard Maneuver, but it should be |
On the other hand, there's some cool stuff in there. Apart from the 48K ZX Spectrum that doesn't work, there's a 128K ZX Spectrum with a light gun that probably does... if I could find the power supply and TV cable. I've even got a cassette tape of "Space Raiders". Not Invaders... Raiders. And John Smith's Extra Smooth Bath Foam and socks. Best of all, a Fish Fingers pencil case. I can't even find an online image of such a thing, so I took this photo to prove that it really does exist.
 |
| You're all soooo jealous right now.... |
And that's only scratching the surface. Never mind my almost complete set of Focus magazines, hundreds of model dinosaurs, complete set of university and A-level notes, and Lord only knows what else. How can people cope with so-called minimalist living, where they have little else besides a computer ? I live on my computer. But I want that computer to be located in the office of the I.T. crowd.
Saturday, 18 September 2010
The Truth Behind Battlestar Galactica (contains spoilers)
Battlestar Galactica is now very much over, though its prequel Caprica continues like a sort of reverse ghost. And long may it continue. But it appears that it's not going to ever address many questions that its progenitor raised. Among which - what's with all the ancient Greek gods ? At the end of the show it's strongly implied that our very own society will eventually found the 12 colonies, which makes one wonder why our religions are going to regress at least 2,000 years.
But fear not, I can offer an explanation for this. The clue lies in Lucy Lawless' character, the Cylon who starts to deviate from their accepted pattern of behaviour. She remains, however, far better known for playing the butt-kicking Xena, the warrior barmaid* fond of breathing fire on her enemies and throwing an angle grinder at them. Curiously enough, Xena is from ancient Greece. Coincidence ? I think not.
*She's not a princess. Her mother tends bar in a small village. Her father is slightly more mysterious.
 |
| Xena has many skills |
Now one of the joys of Xena (besides the judicious use of a Wonderbra) was its crazed take on physics. In this show, backflipping 50 feet straight up is routine. Xena herself is able to catch (in her bare hands) a metal chakram so sharp it can destroy whole armies with a single throw, a feat not even Odd Job could match. The explanation is obvious - she's a robot. That's how she's insanely strong, accurate and why her boobs are so incredibly well-supported... much like the rather more psychopathic Caprica Six.
 |
| Ahh.... feminism. |
Ahem. Now, as I was saying, clearly a robot. How, then, did she come to be in ancient Greece ? Is she one of the D'annas from the future hurled backwards in time ? No. Far more likely, given the religious overtones of both shows, is that she was actually created by the Gods for their own reasons. At some point, a terrible accident hurls her into the future. Quantum Leap teaches that this invariably results in partial amnesia - hence she goes slightly mad and calls herself "D'anna" rather than "Diana", a name which which sounds like she was aiming for Diana but missed.
Now the future history of B.G. is complicated indeed, but no more so than in Xena (a show in which she fights at Troy and meets Julius Caesar - which is a bit like fighting at the Battle of Hastings one week and interviewing Neil Armstrong the next). In fact, only a very little more time travel will also explain the presence of Edward James Olmos, who previously played Gaff in Blade Runner - which was, let's face it, exactly the same as B.G (the only difference was the hat). Clearly the replicants he hunted down were actually some of the first generation of Cylons who would overrun Earth soon after the events in the movie, an event described in later episodes of B.G.
 |
| This is strangely unappealing compared to the last picture |
Returning to Quantum Leap for a moment, who should we find there but Dean Motherfrakking Stockwell ! A time-traveller (of sorts) aided by a sophisticated artifical intelligence ? Come now, Ronald D. Moore, surely you do not expect me to let that one pass. I mean, good grief, he even wears a hat in both shows ! What more proof of a link is needed ? What seems by far the most likely connection is that shortly after the events of Q.L., Al had Ziggy cybernetically implanted into his brain and went on his own time-travelling mission to rescue Sam. But something went horribly wrong and he got hurled into the future and became evil.
 |
| If in doubt, wear a hat |
 |
| All this has happened before.... |
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Grand Theft Awesome
I completed GTA IV ! It only took me about a year, so you'll have to forgive my self-indulgence of writing a review. Now since it's insanely unlikely that any readers won't have heard of (and have probably played) GTA IV anyway, I'm not going to bother explaining it at all, or tiptoe around possible spoilers. You have been warned.
First off, I did not spend an entire year glued to my keyboard. At least, not playing GTA IV. In fact it took me 40 hours to reach 80% completeness. I didn't bother killing all the pigeons (why would I want to ? I like pigeons, they make pleasant soothing noises) or finding all the stunt jumps. Nor did I feel compelled to encourage Niko to do any more dating than the game requires. What's the point ? Dating aside, every 5 minutes I seem to get a call asking me if I want to go bowling/playing darts/go to an art class/do some embroidery. And what with all the morally ambiguous serial killing, there's not much time left for poor old Niko to just be his sweet self. Not to mention that Kate McReary does nothing but flirt with Niko, only to insult his thousand-dollar suit and refuse to sleep with him.
The reason it took me a year is because of one of the game's biggest and stupidest flaws - the lack of an in-mission checkpoint system. Some missions do simply require blind luck. First time round, I got hopelessly stuck robbing the Bank of Liberty. Even the first time round I was able to get through to the subway system with full health and some armour left, only to get run over by a train. This happened again. And again. And again and again and again - literally. After the 6th attempt I gave up and went and completed Fallout 3 and all its 5 expansions, Oblivion and its 2 expansions, the whole 5 games in the Orange Box, and oh yes, let's not forget finishing the whole "PhD" thing.
On my return, I got stuck on a racing mission for a man named Brucie - one I completed, originally, on my second attempt. You're given a sports car so overpowered it's incapable of going in a straight line, and aren't allowed to attack your opponents. This time it took until the 8th attempt before everything worked out fine for no particular reason.
Then we have to address the central storyline. You play a basically evil character doing basically evil things, who's idea of a moral act seems to be killing drug dealers and taking brutal revenge on people he disapproves of. Often revenge involves grenades, rocket launchers, attack helicopters and the mass murder of dozens of police officers. Claims that this encourages violent behaviour are ill-founded. It would be a bit like putting up a message at the start of The Dambusters : WARNING ! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. BLOWING UP DAMS CAN RESULT IN INJURY OR DEATH AND MAY RESULT IN A PRISON SENTENCE. Basically, if you have access to machine guns, rocket launchers and attack helicopters, I submit that you're probably quite likely to go on a killing spree regardless.
Despite their not being a single character who elicited an iota of empathy for me, the story is nonetheless very good for game standards. It could almost be a movie... in fact, sometimes it's far too much like a movie. I speak of the other great flaw : the scripted nature of most missions. Usually, you can kill whoever you like and go wherever you will by whatever means you prefer. Occasionally, however, certain characters are deemed invulnerable until you reach a certain stage and you have to use specified vehicles. By far the worst example occurs in the final mission : Out of Commission.
In this case, the rather minor character Pegorino has gunned down Niko's date, the ever-petulant Kate McReary, because Niko previously refused a major drugs deal. As I played it, Niko has seen this woman not more than 4 times in his life and all she does is insult his dress sense and choice of cars. But, bless him, our hero feels it's time for a mission of epic revenge, Slavic style. This involves an extremely long, slow and pointlessly easy car chase, followed by a fairly standard (though fun) kill-lots-of-enemies mission. Once you reach Pegorino, he becomes INVINCEEBLE and makes his escape in a rocket-proof speedboat. Your only option is to jump on a nearby bike and follow the coastline. Fortunately, Pegorino is apparently too stupid to realise that boats can travel out to sea, but motorbikes can only travel on land.
Spend more than about 2 seconds getting on the bike and the mission is ended. "Pegorino got away." No he didn't. He's right there ! I can still see him ! But if this happens, you've no option but to do the whole sorry thing again because of the lack of checkpoints. You may have killed a horde of enemies and still have full health and armour, but can't kill your apparent nemesis because you didn't quite hit F fast enough.
The frustration doesn't quite end there. Assuming you survive the dash along the beach - one tiny mistake and it's game over, again, you have to jump the bike across a ramp to get into a helicopter. That's fairly epic, I guess, but get the ramp very slightly wrong and yet again it's back to square one. Helicopters apparently aren't capable of landing : access is by motorbike only. Once you're in, you follow Pegorino, dodging his RPGs. Your 'copter has miniguns, but it seems Pegorino is still indestructible, so they're useless. Eventually, one of his RPGs hits the chopper (no matter how high you are or how good your dodging skills - it seems he has a long-range homing missile) but Niko lands it without incident.
You then run around on a small island until you find Pegorino and shoot him until he's dead. And that's it. Story over. The game effectively ends on an epic mission of badly-scripted revenge against a minor character who killed a casual acquaintance and relies on magic to make himself invulnerable. Oh.
And yet... I love this game. The world is so incredibly realised - it feels like a real city is size, scope, and behaviour of its inhabitants. Random pedestrians walk by having conversations on their phones. Hold up other traffic and drivers will shout at you. Commit crimes and some residents flee in terror while others fight back with gusto. You can pick up hookers and rob people at cashpoints, if you like. And - by and large - you're free to do whatever you want. I just wish there was more stuff outside missions that you're actually free to do. Maybe Niko needs a day job... fireman, maybe. Or better yet, tour guide.
Overall, 9/10. It's stunning. It just needs a bit less scripting, a checkpoint system and a more epic finale.
There's no way that's not awesome
First off, I did not spend an entire year glued to my keyboard. At least, not playing GTA IV. In fact it took me 40 hours to reach 80% completeness. I didn't bother killing all the pigeons (why would I want to ? I like pigeons, they make pleasant soothing noises) or finding all the stunt jumps. Nor did I feel compelled to encourage Niko to do any more dating than the game requires. What's the point ? Dating aside, every 5 minutes I seem to get a call asking me if I want to go bowling/playing darts/go to an art class/do some embroidery. And what with all the morally ambiguous serial killing, there's not much time left for poor old Niko to just be his sweet self. Not to mention that Kate McReary does nothing but flirt with Niko, only to insult his thousand-dollar suit and refuse to sleep with him.
The reason it took me a year is because of one of the game's biggest and stupidest flaws - the lack of an in-mission checkpoint system. Some missions do simply require blind luck. First time round, I got hopelessly stuck robbing the Bank of Liberty. Even the first time round I was able to get through to the subway system with full health and some armour left, only to get run over by a train. This happened again. And again. And again and again and again - literally. After the 6th attempt I gave up and went and completed Fallout 3 and all its 5 expansions, Oblivion and its 2 expansions, the whole 5 games in the Orange Box, and oh yes, let's not forget finishing the whole "PhD" thing.
On my return, I got stuck on a racing mission for a man named Brucie - one I completed, originally, on my second attempt. You're given a sports car so overpowered it's incapable of going in a straight line, and aren't allowed to attack your opponents. This time it took until the 8th attempt before everything worked out fine for no particular reason.
Then we have to address the central storyline. You play a basically evil character doing basically evil things, who's idea of a moral act seems to be killing drug dealers and taking brutal revenge on people he disapproves of. Often revenge involves grenades, rocket launchers, attack helicopters and the mass murder of dozens of police officers. Claims that this encourages violent behaviour are ill-founded. It would be a bit like putting up a message at the start of The Dambusters : WARNING ! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. BLOWING UP DAMS CAN RESULT IN INJURY OR DEATH AND MAY RESULT IN A PRISON SENTENCE. Basically, if you have access to machine guns, rocket launchers and attack helicopters, I submit that you're probably quite likely to go on a killing spree regardless.
Despite their not being a single character who elicited an iota of empathy for me, the story is nonetheless very good for game standards. It could almost be a movie... in fact, sometimes it's far too much like a movie. I speak of the other great flaw : the scripted nature of most missions. Usually, you can kill whoever you like and go wherever you will by whatever means you prefer. Occasionally, however, certain characters are deemed invulnerable until you reach a certain stage and you have to use specified vehicles. By far the worst example occurs in the final mission : Out of Commission.
In this case, the rather minor character Pegorino has gunned down Niko's date, the ever-petulant Kate McReary, because Niko previously refused a major drugs deal. As I played it, Niko has seen this woman not more than 4 times in his life and all she does is insult his dress sense and choice of cars. But, bless him, our hero feels it's time for a mission of epic revenge, Slavic style. This involves an extremely long, slow and pointlessly easy car chase, followed by a fairly standard (though fun) kill-lots-of-enemies mission. Once you reach Pegorino, he becomes INVINCEEBLE and makes his escape in a rocket-proof speedboat. Your only option is to jump on a nearby bike and follow the coastline. Fortunately, Pegorino is apparently too stupid to realise that boats can travel out to sea, but motorbikes can only travel on land.
Spend more than about 2 seconds getting on the bike and the mission is ended. "Pegorino got away." No he didn't. He's right there ! I can still see him ! But if this happens, you've no option but to do the whole sorry thing again because of the lack of checkpoints. You may have killed a horde of enemies and still have full health and armour, but can't kill your apparent nemesis because you didn't quite hit F fast enough.
The frustration doesn't quite end there. Assuming you survive the dash along the beach - one tiny mistake and it's game over, again, you have to jump the bike across a ramp to get into a helicopter. That's fairly epic, I guess, but get the ramp very slightly wrong and yet again it's back to square one. Helicopters apparently aren't capable of landing : access is by motorbike only. Once you're in, you follow Pegorino, dodging his RPGs. Your 'copter has miniguns, but it seems Pegorino is still indestructible, so they're useless. Eventually, one of his RPGs hits the chopper (no matter how high you are or how good your dodging skills - it seems he has a long-range homing missile) but Niko lands it without incident.
You then run around on a small island until you find Pegorino and shoot him until he's dead. And that's it. Story over. The game effectively ends on an epic mission of badly-scripted revenge against a minor character who killed a casual acquaintance and relies on magic to make himself invulnerable. Oh.
Remarkably poor final mission leaves Niko confused
And yet... I love this game. The world is so incredibly realised - it feels like a real city is size, scope, and behaviour of its inhabitants. Random pedestrians walk by having conversations on their phones. Hold up other traffic and drivers will shout at you. Commit crimes and some residents flee in terror while others fight back with gusto. You can pick up hookers and rob people at cashpoints, if you like. And - by and large - you're free to do whatever you want. I just wish there was more stuff outside missions that you're actually free to do. Maybe Niko needs a day job... fireman, maybe. Or better yet, tour guide.
Overall, 9/10. It's stunning. It just needs a bit less scripting, a checkpoint system and a more epic finale.
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